Normal sponge cake

Here is where we get as non-technical as possible. I’m not cooking for competition, I’m cooking to give my kids something to do other than annoy me all day. All recipes and instructions are based on the fact that time is precious, and not all prescribed steps are necessary when cooking. They assume you have kids, pets, significant others or all of the above running around and interrupting you. Read to the end to find any mistakes I made or lessons I learned. If you learn from a mistake, it ceases to be a mistake and becomes a lesson.

Ingredients

• 250g white sugar
• 250g self raising flour
• 250g butter (not margarine)
• 6 eggs (turned out to be too many, best to use 4)

That’s it. That’s your cake. Plain sponge cake recipe. You can add some more stuff to fancy it up or add flavour to it if you want, but remember: if you add something wet, add a bit more flour. If you add something too dry, add a little milk if it’s a small amount of dry, or another egg if it’s a lot of dry ingredient. As long as it’s as thick as custard, you’ll (probably) be fine.

Most cake recipes call for a teaspoon of vanilla essence, however I have personally never tasted a cake and thought “ooh, you know what, you can really taste the vanilla in that”, or “it’s a nice cake, but it could really do with a dash of vanilla”. So that part is entirely optional.

Instructions

Preheat the oven to 180 degrees.

Put all the ingredients in a bowl at the same time. Mix the life out of them. When it looks like custard, put it in a cake tin. Put the cake tin in the oven, set a timer for 45 minutes, go for a cuppa.

When your 45 minutes is up, stick a metal skewer or a knife through the top centre of the cake. If it comes out clean, your cake’s ready. If it comes out with some squidgy cakey stuff on it, check it again in 10 minutes. Repeat until the cake no longer bleeds when you stab it.

Boom, you have a cake.

Lessons

Now, I’m not going to lie, marshmallow in a cake was a stupid idea. They’re greasy, they make your cake look burnt on the top when the inside is still raw, and you have to saw the top off because it’s all caramelised. But, now I know. Also, I should have stopped at 5 eggs.